Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
