I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
