I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
