How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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