god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
