I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
