I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
