I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
