We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
