I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
