My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
