i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
