If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
