I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
