So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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