it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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