Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
