Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
