Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
