I faked an abortion last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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