Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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