Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We have so much sex to catch up on
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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