Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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