Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
