So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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