no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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