soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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