yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
