you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
