My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Randomize
