then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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