im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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