peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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