She said her name was "party"
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
