My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
