why im i the only drunk person in the library?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
