Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
