life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
