bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
