roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
