Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
