clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize