i already hear my dad disowning me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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