My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
