I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
