i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
