It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
