Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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