mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
