I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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