Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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