apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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