So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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