he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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