I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
