Just fell off a train. Bad.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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