So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
