are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
