well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
