Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
